Joking apart

I was recently reminded of an erotic art joke and thought I'd share it with you..........


An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time. Every day, he was up early and worked late - bringing perfection with every stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the female body and was able to really make his paintings shine.


After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort and decided to take it easy for the day. Since his model had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass of wine and talk - since normally he preferred to do his painting in silence.

They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car arriving outside. He jumped up and said, "Oh no! It's my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And whilst I'm in the mood for joke telling........


How many artists does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how good it looks.

------


How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel.

------


How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to do it and one to say "Huh! My four-year old could've done that!"
--------
 
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?



Fish.



 :)

Hiding naughtiness

I've always loved clever paintings, the sort where something is hidden within the image and at first glance it seems like an innocuous painting, but then you realise there's actually a clever depiction of something which puts a whole new twist on what you're looking at. And it's even better if some people see it, and others don't. It makes it more fun, and amuses and entertains the one's who do see it. I suppose you'd call the images surreal - that half reality, half dream like state of putting diverse subjects together that normally wouldn't be.

I also like painting landscapes and hiding something within the contours of the painting. I did this oil painting for myself a few years ago, and still get a lot of pleasure looking at it - the dramatic moon lit sky, the parting clouds, crashing waves, sandy beach and rocky headland........ Oh, and the naked woman!

Recently, I've been asked if I'd be able to paint a landscape with an underlying erotic theme - the sort where adults would see the erotica, but young children wouldn't. It's an interesting proposition for me - the sort of thing I adore painting. But..... how to hide the erotica is the tricky part - whether to use the entwined bodies as the landscape itself, making the hills and valleys with the odd bush sprouting up in prominent places! Or just to paint the landscape but have the erotic couples hidden amongst the writhing trunks of gnarled tree trunks, or secreted amongst the fast flowing waters of a stream, lovers entwined together in the craggy crevices of rocks and lichen covered rocky outcrops or just hinted at amongst the greenery of shrubs and foliage. The ideas are endless...... and exciting!

I know I'd get great satisfaction out of doing it - and hope that others would out of seeing it.

What do you call a collection of pussies?

The fantasy fanny collection seems to have got properly off the ground now - which I am delighted about! Todate, I have ...........wait for it...............ten ........participants! Yay!! Which makes a good set of paintings, and bodes well for the start of an interesting collection. My plan is for them to be exhibited somewhere - hopefully a gallery will be interested in them, as I would love to see them all shown together. Since this is a celebration of womanhood and the desirability of women, it should be big, bright and beautiful. And I have to make the paintings slightly abstract with a surreal twist otherwise the collection will look something like a gynaecologists convention!


But..... what to call the paintings - I've been thinking about it ever since the idea was first discussed. I've been referring to it as "Pussy portraits" or "Fanny fantasies" but I knew that wouldn't be the finished title as I didn't want the local cat lovers group arriving and being shocked that it wasn't a set of paintings featuring fluffy kittens playing with balls of string. And since the word fanny means something totally different to the English than to Americans, neither did I want an Americans thinking it was of bums! Plus I didn't want the title to particularly have the normal swear words in it, as that would make it seem derogatory - and that is CERTAINLY not my intention. So........ on to other words....... but then there were words that have differing meanings - slits, snatches etc. and I wasn't happy with them either. So - a bit of further investigation has come up with much better words, and included in them is what I consider to be the perfect word - one that is suitably apt for what I am doing........ I love the old words for pussy like coint, coynte, quaint, qwaynt but my favourite of them all is queynte. Queynte is an old English word that is apparently a pun on the word "cunt" and its also from where the word "quim" is derived, and it means "many layered in-folded mystery". How perfect is that????!!!! So the paintings will be anonymous as to the identity of the owner and will be very simply called:"Queynte 1", "Queynte 2", "Queynte 3" etc.


And it's particularly apt regarding the many layered mystery as the point of the paintings is an affirmation of the desirability of women, especially the part that a lot of women may not be wholly comfortable with, and which is normally hidden from the world. I like the idea of calling the whole collection "Shameless" as they will be without shame about their beauty and their power. They know they are desirable, that their lovers want to be there, it's where they accept lovers, and where life starts. And in particular to this, I want the identities of the women to be a secret, so that whilst they are happy to have their pussies on show, the normal recognition of their identities and faces will be the part that's hidden. Regarding the participants, each persons identity will remain a secret unless they wish to tell other people that they have participated, and which one is theirs.

I want to do them as a set of largish paintings of close-ups of fannies. I want them to appear to be abstract paintings, that could hang on a wall and anyone looking at them would think that it’s a nice contemporary painting but then they might think it looks just like a fanny before they get a jolt when they realize that actually it IS close-up of a fanny! I want the images to be brightly coloured, with bold shapes and lines, and they will probably be slightly abstract, and each one will have the surreal twist of the hint of a naked woman drawn amongst the folds. The hidden woman is the reference to everyone having secrets, deep within them, and a reminder of the essence of what I am actually depicting within the painting, even if it does looks abstract.

The finished paintings will be 20 inches by 16 inches, so I’ll need as much detail as possible from the photographs that I will be working from, so that I can fill the painting. And since I have more to paint than I first considered, I will also have to paint them in different colours, or else it'll look too uniform and boring when they are all exhibited together.

Oh, and I have been asked a question today - well , THE QUESTION, actually, the one that I have been expecting form someone at some point. The "Are you going to participate in this, too, Jackie?" question. And my answer? It has to be "Yes". I have to be part of this if its going to be a celebration of women - because how can I not be part of it? But, mine, like the others, will be a secret as to which it is.



So......... now I need to find someone to take some photos for me............... Now, who shall I ask.......???

Words that turn me on....

........."The Arts Festival thanks you for your submissions to the Open Art Competition and Exhibition and is delighted to exhibit your work"...... such sexy words - along with "Hi Jackie, we're interested in a painting of yours that we've seen recently and wondered if we could come and see it again?" - Oh yes!!! Course you can!!........

Now I know that just because the arts festival want to hang three of my paintings, and the fact that someone wants to come and see one of my tiger paintings again, doesn't necessitate a sale on either count, its a start, and I'm happy that there's interest!

Some years ago I met a woman who really liked one of my paintings - it was a weird surreal painting she'd seen at an exhibition, and she absolutely raved over it! I must have bumped into her five or six times over the course of the next eighteen months, and everytime I saw her she mentioned this particular painting and how much she liked it, and wanted to come and see me, and view it again. It got to the point when I was just about to blow my top at her, for wasting my time even bringing up the subject, since she obviously had no intention of ever doing what she was promising, but then, one day, she came to see me, looked at the picture and said "I've just got to buy it!" and I realised that it had sort of haunted her in someway - she had fallen in love with it, and just had to own it, to view it everyday, and that her life wouldn't ever be complete until she had purchased it. And that, for me, is why people should buy art - because they love it so much, they need to look at it because it fills something within them. I love it when that happens - particularly when its something I've painted and people make an emotional connection to it.

So, just because someone has seen one of my paintings, doesn't mean they're going to buy it, but it might set an idea growing, and they just might come back to me, and they might just buy it at some time in the future........ maybe...